To anyone who wishes to read a 4 page suicide letter,
Ever since I was fairly young, I've acknowledged these reoccurring thoughts about ending my own life. I'm not really sure what had influenced them originally or why it wasn't just a passing phase. I believe the death of my cousin and childhood best friend, Dusty, greatly contributed to my confrontation with the reality of death. Even in childhood though, upon realizing what death meant, I found myself curiously intrigued by the thought that 'some people kill themselves.' Over the years I have pondered the idea more and more frequently. It typically happens most often during the waves I associate with my form of bipolar disorder. Obviously, I've never enjoyed thoughts of suicide. These thoughts feel completely beyond my control. They just creep into my mind. I really don't try to fight it because I have grown comfortable with them. Even when I am happily medicated I casually think about it. I've always been a deeply introverted thinker and rarely do I share what's on my mind. I don't feel comfortable expressing a lot my personal thoughts and feelings, even with those I consider close to me. Sure it would be healthier to talk about what is troubling me, but I'm just not that type of person. I am much better at expressing my thoughts and feelings in writing, so this will be a very thorough suicide note. I think I owe you an explanation for my actions. I apologize for the length of this letter, and for rambling on about things you probably don't need to know. I feel that a lengthy explanation is the appropriate thing to do, so that I don't leave you with too many unanswered questions. Such as, 'Why did he do it?', 'What was he thinking?', 'What could I have done to prevent it?' and 'Why didn't he let us help him?' I will do my best to help you understand.
First of all, I can't express how deeply sorry I am. I'm not terribly close to very many people these days, but do I realize I will be hurting those that care about me. I have intentionally tried to distance myself from other people, as much as I could handle, over the past few years. This is because a few years ago I realized that I might end up doing this sooner than I thought. Close to 4 years ago I had planned to take my own life, but completely out of coincidence my plans were changed. I was interrupted by my grandparents when they unexpectedly showed up at the cabin in Strawberry, the morning after I got there, and found me sleeping. I was going to follow through with my plan on the very day the arrived. I remember my grandpa Kent waking me up, shouting 'Who are you!!!'. To me it was the most welcome greeting I could have received that morning. It was such a profound experience, being so mentally prepared for death and then everything suddenly changed. After I drove home, I found myself on an uncontrollable emotional roller coaster. I decided perhaps some time in the madhouse would do me some good. I called my mother crying and asked her to take me to the hospital. It's a very rare thing to see me cry. Today, before I started writing this, was the first time I've cried since that day I called my mother. I am crying right now, as a matter of fact. Crying is such a wonderful release, I really which I was capable of crying more often.
Why did I do it? There really isn't one direct reason. It would be silly to do something like this for one reason alone. I've always thought/known, that if I don't die by accident, I will inevitably end my own life at some point in time. I doubt this is something any of you reading this could relate to. Try to understand what it is like, thinking 'I will probably take my own life in the end', ever since pre-adolescences. Sadly, I can't say that now is the ideal time to do it. As if now, more than ever, I had a better reason to do it. I did it now, mostly because my vision of my present and future situation in life has been put into a clearer prospective. My future seems very unfulfilling and undesirable. You might be thinking that I don't even seem to want to try making life better for myself. I have tried and in fact I have been able to make life seem more enjoyable. However, I've found that for every emotional action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For me, being bi-polar, bouncing between the two spectrums is dizzying and my lows are much more intense than my highs. These moods cause me to make unpredictable decisions. This makes it extremely difficult to set goals and follow through with them. The only sure thing I can predict about my future, is that I will constantly be changing based on my moods and that my control over the future is limited because it is so difficult to stick with my goals. My life is very much filled with frustration directed at myself.
Part of the cursed fantasy of it all was that I would some how leave my mark before I go. The mark I wanted to leave would have been in the form of a musical opus that defines me. I even promised myself I wouldn't do this until my work of genius was completed. Well, after numerous attempts at creating my good bye music, I found myself facing a paradox. I am no genius… How could I possibly define an enigma like myself using the most abstract art form mankind has ever invented? It's probably the only way it could be done, but I certainly don't have it in me to do it. Not right now anyway. I would need to devote myself entirely to studying music theory, and the various intervals effects on emotion, for a couple of decades before I could even come close to something I could proudly say 'this defines me. This is why my mind is unique.' I want to be able to say that so badly, that I am overwhelmed with melancholy as I think about it. Not living long enough to fully understand music is, without a doubt, my biggest regret. I simply don't think I would be able to continue my day to day work routine, and all of the stress that goes with it, long enough to master the art of composition on the side as a hobby.
The reason I am so fascinated by music, by the way, is because even though there are standard tunings, scales, rhythms, etc, the creative possibilities are (quite literally) infinite. The nature of sound has no boundaries, and to me the most beautiful music goes beyond popular musical standards, for the sake of originality. Music/sound theory perplexes me, and at times I have thought about it so intensely that my mind began to feel numb. I love music more than I have loved another human being (don't take that the wrong way). However, this tragic relationship I have with music has left me frustrated out of a lack of understanding. I've learned so much, but I want to be able to understand sound and music as completely as possible.
I can't see myself reaching my potential, to tell you the truth, for numerous reasons. The necessity to work to survive, at a job that is both mentally and physically exhausting, at unfulfilling blue collar wages, is the biggest reason of all. Life feels wasted when I come home from work completely robbed of my energy and creative motivation. I get very depressed when I am unproductive with my music. Lately, I have had such terrible (song) writers block because work has me so stressed out. I have been losing sleep, just lying in bed thinking about my job. Then I have restless weekends, trying to work on new music. Trying hard to improve my methods, but I am often unsatisfied with what I come up with. If only the weekends were longer… If only I didn't have to work, or pay bills, or wash cloths, or eat. Then I could be happy and productive. Unproductive weekends perpetually cause bad Mondays that bleed through out the week, leaving me with even less energy at the end of the day. On top of all of this, I am the most productive employee and my former place of employment. Ask them and they'll tell you… I can do a lot of work really fast, and it appears they are trying to test my limits. Every time I tell them I have reached my limit, it's just a matter of time before they give me more work and responsibility. The work I do now was once performed by 6 people. My job title is still 'Lead', even though there is no one left under me. My mind can't handle this much volume. I will honestly tell you now, the biggest thing that helped me make this decision to end my life (in combination with a bunch of other little things), is my job. It has encroached on my life to the point where I see no future for myself outside the company and it has stolen my creative energy to where I see no future in my music. I would be stuck there for years, until they finally lay me off. Taking a few hours off for a doctor appointment is stressful. I'd like to find a new job, but I am too exhausted to go through the hassle of tuning up my resume, filling out applications, doing interviews, etc. I would probably learn to hate whatever job I got anyway, so it would be pointless to get a new one. I could ramble on for hours about this, so I won't bore you with a lengthy rant.
Another reason for me being dissatisfied with my life, just below my displeasure for work, is plain old fashioned loneliness. I have fallen in love a few times in my life, but I've never met a woman who has fallen in love with me. This has shattered my ego every time. There hasn't been any affection or love in my life for 5 or 6 years now. I believe I know what my biggest error in this department is. I generally don't express my emotions for people to see. I suppress them as much as possible. When I feel something, I don't like to show it or admit that I feel anything. So I always appear disinterested. I'm also neurotic, a shy introvert, and I lack confidence. What women want is a mystery, but they definitely aren't interested in neurotic introverts who lack confidence. I have been trying to get used to the idea that I could very well be single and living alone well into old age… I don't feel up to discussing my loneliness, so I'll stop there. I mention this only to further justify myself.
How could this have been prevented? What could you have done? *sigh*… I don't know… I'm sorry… You could've bought me a new brain, or perhaps you could have introduced me to a rich girl who would love me unconditionally and didn't mind that I spent all of my time making music instead of working a normal job... I never gave anyone the opportunity to help me because I just don't want help. Perhaps it's some sort of male pride thing, I dunno. You have every right to be mad at me for not speaking up. Even if you were suspicious that I might be thinking about doing this, and you prodded me with questions to find out if there was something wrong, I wouldn't have admitted it. I'm that secretive and emotionally boxed in. Over the past few years I've turned myself into a bit of a hermit, and along with that my ability and willingness to communicate openly with others has diminished more and more.
I want to say that (despite my ranting and neurotic displeasure) life has been a fascinating and wonderful experience. Life is a sensory smorgasbord and a beautiful collage of emotion spread out over a very short time. Life, no matter how long we live, is relatively insignificant (relative to infinite time and space). Just like everyone else, I feel as though my life has been unique and special. However, I am fully aware that I am ultimately insignificant. The fact that I am conscious of this, in fact does make my 24 years of existence special and unique. Life is rare, and life that is conscious is exceedingly rare in our universe. I am very lucky to have been here, but I don't regret my decision. If you still don't entirely understand why I would do this, all I ask is that you please try to respect my decision. This is was my choice to make. If it wasn't now, it would have been later.
I would like to add that I have chosen a method that will be virtually painless. It should be quite pleasant actually. I am in no way depressed right now. I am very calm and at peace, because I know that peace awaits me. I want you to know that, in the end I was actually very happy. I am proud of the life I lived because it was unique and different than most other people's. I have a rare personality, and I am proud of that fact. If you want to know more about my personality type, I am type INTP (Myers Briggs). There are many good profiles you can find on this personality type, that will give you a better understanding of how I think. Einstein, Darwin, and Descartes were all INTPs. I wish I could have reached that same level of potential, heh heh!!
I want to thank my parents, with all my heart, for giving me my life. There has never been a day were I wished I never existed. I absolutely admire the way my parents have raise me and my sisters. They did a wonderful job and I don't want them to think, just because I don't want my life to continue, that they ever did anything wrong. I may not have always agreed with them at times, but in hindsight I know that so much of what they have done has taught me invaluable life lessons by their example. I appreciate every bit of support my parents have given me, and I wish I had tried harder to repay them. I know I come off as a very apathetic person, and I wish I was able to say this more often, but I love my parents very much. I am also very proud of my sisters Christine and Stacy. Christine and Jared have produced some of the most delightful little people I've ever met, and they make a fantastic family. I'm happy that I got to see my little sister Stacy grow up to be a well educated nurse. She has a bright future ahead of her, and I'm sure she'll make good mother one day as well. Last, but definitely not least, my oldest and best friend Steve… We are equally the same as we are opposites. That is what has made our friendship last and I am lucky to have ever crossed his path back in high school. We have had many memorable adventures, those that we like to remember and those that we don't like to admit we remember. I am proud of the work we have done, from the Jesus film, to the Wranglers, to the birth of Shark Zone (don't let a good thing die, my friend). I am forever in his debt, for all of the amazing music he has introduced me to.
To the rest of my family and friends, thank you for being part of my life. Believe me, I have remembered a lot of people today. I haven't left very many people out of my mind.
Love,
-Jason